Couch Potato

There ain`t nothin` to do in my home town <br>So I grab my remote and I plant myself down <br>Suckin` down cheese balls by the pound <br>Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down <br><br>I got no wife and I got no life <br>But I got my remote so I`m set for the night <br>Never shower so I smell like rotten eggs <br>Cobwebs growin` out the side of my legs <br>`Cause I haven`t gotten up in sixteen years <br>Missin` a show is one of my worst fears <br>My father wants to know what kind of drugs I`m on <br>I don`t get up to eat or even go to the john <br>Even if I wanted to I doubt I could <br>Because my legs feel like they`re made of petrified wood <br>Here in the same place in the same slouch <br>My butt is fused to the cushion of the couch <br>Dropped out of school in the second grade <br>Got a ten foot screen, got a glass of lemonade <br>Got a jar next to me for when I have to pee <br>This is the way life was meant to be <br><br>There ain`t nothin` to do in my home town <br>So I grab my remote and I plant myself down <br>Suckin` down cheese balls by the pound <br>Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down <br><br>Rats and roaches run around the room <br>I forgot what it`s like to be in any other room <br>I stare at the tube and I never make a sound <br>`Cause the TV set never lets me down <br>Talk shows, talk shows, all day long <br>With stuff like this, how can I go wrong? <br>Like cross dressin` Nazis who live on Gummy bears <br>And Elvis impersonators singing in their underwear <br>Games, game shows all day and night <br>I live for shows like The Price Is Right <br>I`m still waitin` to see Bob Barker cringe <br>When a fat woman pulls the big wheel off the hinge <br>Wait, what`s happening, this has to be a joke <br>Oh, God, no, please, my remote is broke <br>These are brand new batteries I can`t believe they blew <br>Now what the hell am I supposed to do? <br>There ain`t nothin` to do in my home town <br>So I grab my rerote* and I plant myself down <br>Suckin` down cheese balls by the pound <br>Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down<br><br>[*rerote, n. (re-ROTE): 1.how a person says "remote" <br>after years of sitting in front of a television <br>due to the brain damage caused by doing so.]