Asshole

<br>Folks, I`d like to sing a song about the American dream. About me,about<br>you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom ofour<br>chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,<br>maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver,<br>maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don`t know.<br><br>I`m just an average Joe with a regular job<br>I`m your average White suburbanite slob<br>I like football and porno and books about war<br>I`ve got an average house with a nice hardwood floor<br>My wife and my job, my kids and my car<br>My feet on the table and a Cuban cigar<br><br>But sometimes that just ain`t enough<br>To keep a man like me interested<br>(Oh no) No way (Uh-uh)<br>No, I`ve got to go out and have fun<br>At someone else`s expense<br>(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah<br><br>I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane<br>While people behind me are going insane<br><br>I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)<br>I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, such an asshole)<br><br>I use public toilets and I piss on the seat<br>I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"<br><br>I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)<br>I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)<br><br>Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces<br>While handicapped people make handicapped faces<br><br>I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)<br>I`m an asshole (He`s a real fucking asshole)<br><br>Maybe I shouldn`t be singing this song<br>Ranting and raving and carrying on<br>Maybe they`re right when they tell me I`m wrong<br>Naaaah!<br><br>I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)<br>I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)<br><br>You know what I`m gonna do? I`m gonna get myself a 1967 CadillacEldorado<br>convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcabs and all leather cow interior<br>and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I`m gonna drive<br>around in that baby at 115 MPH getting on mile per gallon, sucking down<br>quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald`s in the old-fashioned<br>non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I`m done suckin` down<br>those greaseball burgers, I`m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag<br>and then I`m gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and<br>there ain`t a goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why?<br>Because we got the bombs, that`s why.<br><br>Two words: Nuclear fucking weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania-<br>they<br>can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy<br>cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won`t makea<br>lick of difference because we got the bombs, okay? John Wayne`s not<br>dead-he`s frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we`re gonna<br>thaw out the Duke and he`s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why?Have<br>you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15,000,000 times,<br>that`s how pissed off the Duke`s gonna be. I`m gonna get the Duke andJohn<br>Cassavetes<br>(Hey)<br>And Lee Marvin<br>(Hey)<br>And Sam Peckinpah<br>(Hey)<br>And a case of whisky and drive down to Texas...<br>(Hey, you know, you really are an asshole)<br>Why don`t you just shut up and sing the song, pal!<br><br>I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)<br>I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)<br><br>A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E<br><br>Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf<br>Fung achng tum a fung tuma fling chum<br>Oooh oooh<br><br>I`m an asshole and proud of it!